6 Normal  Habits That Can Make Dementia Behaviors Worse

You’re on the phone with your sister, walking her through everything the doctor said at Mom’s appointment. Twenty minutes in, you’re still going.

Mom is sitting a few feet away. She isn’t saying anything. She doesn’t seem to be following at all.

So it feels safe to keep talking. But what if she understands enough to know you’re talking about her?

That is one of six habits I see loving, devoted Careblazers fall into all the time. None of them come from a bad place. But each one can quietly make dementia behaviors worse, with more agitation, more resistance, and less trust in you.

Most lists of what not to say to someone with dementia hand you phrases to memorize. These six are the habits sitting underneath those phrases. Learn to spot the habit and you won’t need the list.

The 6 Habits, and What to Say Instead

Keep this part for the moments when the old habit is already on the tip of your tongue.

1. Instead of correcting them, connect with what is already on their mind. “You’re thinking about work. What did you like most about your job?”
2. Instead of reasoning from your reality, work from theirs. Ask what outcome you actually need, not how to get them to agree with you.
3. Instead of arguing the facts, answer the feeling underneath them. “You’re missing your wallet. That’s upsetting. Let’s look for it together.”
4. Instead of quizzing them, hand them the information. Not “Do you remember who this is?” Just “Mom, Sarah, your granddaughter, is here.”
5. Instead of talking about them as if they are not there, save those conversations for when you are truly out of earshot.
6. Instead of pointing out what they can’t do, give them something they can do. “Can you help me with this?”

Why Normal Conversation Backfires With Dementia

Here is what makes these habits so hard to catch. Every one of them is a perfectly normal way to talk to people. You have done them your whole life, with everyone, and they have worked.

Dementia changes that. The parts of the brain these habits depend on, like memory, logic, and the ability to weigh evidence, are the parts the disease damages. So the way you talk has to change too.

Three of these come up so often that I once made a whole video on just those, which is written up here as the three things I would never do with a loved one with dementia. This post goes wider, and further into what to say in their place.

Mistake #1: Correcting Someone With Dementia

Your dad says, “I have to go to work today.”

You say, “Dad, you retired fifteen years ago.”

You’re right. And you’ve probably just made things worse.

Before you correct, ask yourself one question: does he actually need the right information right now?

If the correction doesn’t solve a safety problem, what does it do? Usually, it leaves him confused, upset, and not believing you, and the two of you end up going in circles.

With dementia, the goal of most conversations is to connect, not correct.

Try this instead: respond to what’s on his mind. Work matters to him right now, so start there.

“You’re thinking about work. What did you like most about your job?”

If you need him to let go of the idea of leaving, stay inside his version of events: “It’s Sunday, you don’t have to go in today.” Or, “The boss called. You have the day off.”

If stepping into his version of events sits uncomfortably with you, you are not the only one. I’ve written about where I land on lying to someone with dementia, and why kindness and honesty stop being the same choice with this disease.

Unless safety is at stake, connect first.

Mistake #2: Reasoning With Someone Who Has Dementia

Your mom needs her medication. She doesn’t think she needs it.

So you make the case. “The doctor said it’s important for your health. Remember last week, when you missed it and got so confused?”

To you, that’s airtight. You’re handing her the facts so she can reach the same conclusion you did. That is how reasoning works: take in information, connect the dots, make a judgment.

But dementia damages the parts of the brain that connect those dots. She can hear every fact and still land somewhere completely different.

Many people with dementia also don’t believe anything is wrong with them. This is called anosognosia. It isn’t stubbornness or denial. The brain can no longer recognize its own changes, and researchers reviewing the evidence have found that nearly everyone with dementia develops it eventually.

So more evidence doesn’t lead to more understanding. It usually leads to more frustration and a firmer no. (If this is the one you keep running into, I’ve written more about why logic backfires with dementia.)

Try this instead: change the question you’re asking yourself. Not “How do I get her to see I’m right?” but “How do I help her get to the outcome she needs?” Very often, the second one doesn’t require her to understand anything.

Reason From Their Reality, Not Yours

“Don’t reason with someone who has dementia” is good advice, with one exception. You can reason, as long as the reasoning makes sense in their world.

A Careblazer I worked with couldn’t leave her husband home alone. Every time she needed to run errands, he’d insist, “I don’t need to be watched. I’m fine.” He got angry, and he threatened any caregiver who came to the house.

Their daughter-in-law lived nearby, worked from home, and was happy to come over. So we stopped framing her visits as supervision. Instead, she’d come over saying her Wi-Fi at home was acting up and she needed to borrow theirs to get some work done.

He never needed to know why she was really there. Nobody was trying to convince him he needed help, and the fight disappeared.

You might already be wondering how to do this for your own situation, whether it’s bathing, driving, or getting to the doctor. The right answer depends on your loved one’s personality and the resources you have. Even when it feels like you have none, there is usually something to try, and it helps to have people to think it through with.

Mistake #3: Arguing With Someone With Dementia

“You stole my wallet!”

“I didn’t take your wallet. You probably misplaced it again.”

“No, you’re always doing this.”

Most of us know arguing with someone who has dementia doesn’t work. We do it anyway, because the accusation stings and we have the facts on our side.

But an argument asks a lot of the brain. You have to remember what happened, hold several facts at once, and weigh someone else’s point of view. Past the earliest stages of dementia, most people can’t do that anymore. Your explanation can be perfectly logical and still not land.

And here’s the bigger problem. You can win the argument and still lose.

People with dementia lose the details of what happened long before they lose the feeling it left behind. Researchers at the University of Iowa found that people with Alzheimer’s disease kept feeling sad or happy well after they could no longer remember what caused the feeling.

So every argument adds to something. Not a memory of the fight, but a feeling about you. Over time, your loved one may tense up when you walk into the room without knowing why.

Try this instead: listen for the emotion under the words. Under “you stole my wallet” is: I can’t find my wallet, and I’m upset.

“You’re missing your wallet. That’s upsetting. Let’s look for it together.”

There’s no correction in that, and nothing left to argue about.

You don’t have to agree with their version of reality to respond to how they feel. To them, the experience is real.

This way of talking will feel unnatural at first. It gets easier with practice.

Mistake #4: Turning the Day Into a Memory Test

“Do you remember who this is?” “What did we have for breakfast?” “What’s my name?”

Caregivers usually ask these questions to find out how much their loved one still remembers. That makes sense. But each one puts your loved one on the spot, sets them up to get something wrong, and leaves them feeling embarrassed.

That feeling attaches to the moment, and to you, and it makes the next interaction harder.

Try this instead: just give them the information.

Instead of “Mom, do you remember who this is?”, say, “Mom, Sarah, your granddaughter, is here.”

Everyday moments don’t need to become memory tests.

Mistake #5: Talking About Them in Front of Them

Back to that phone call.

As dementia progresses, many people get quieter. They struggle to find words and to keep up with conversations. It’s easy to look at that and assume not much is getting through.

That’s often not true. A quiet face is not the same as an empty mind.

When we talk in front of our loved one about their accidents in the bathroom, the pills they won’t take, or how “she thinks the neighbors are spying on her again,” we wear down the relationship. Someone can feel hurt and embarrassed without showing it.

Try this instead: when you’re not sure how much they’re taking in, err on the side of dignity. I’d call that the golden rule of dementia care. Ask yourself what the most dignified way to have this conversation would be if they could hear every word.

And yes, you still need to vent. Everyone does, and it doesn’t make you a bad caregiver. Just make sure those conversations happen out of earshot.

No reaction on the outside doesn’t mean nothing is happening on the inside.

Mistake #6: Pointing Out What They Can No Longer Do

“You can’t cook by yourself anymore.” “You can’t be home alone.” “You can’t drive.”

Every one of those may be true. But hearing it again and again doesn’t help anyone accept a loss. Usually we say it because we’re hoping they’ll stop, and instead we get pushback.

Try this instead: keep them safe without pointing at the limitation. Two ways to do that:

Adjust the environment. If the TV remote has become a struggle, swap in a simpler one, or turn on the show you know they’ll want before they reach for it. No announcement, no explanation.

Give them something to do. If your loved one loves to cook but can’t safely use the stove, get ahead of it: “Can you help me with this?” Then hand them lettuce to tear, napkins to fold, or something to stir.

Rather than trying to stop a behavior, offer something they can do. It often heads off the resistance entirely. The same move works on the bigger standoffs too, and I’ve laid it out step by step for the times your loved one flatly refuses to do something.

One Question to Ask Before You Respond

When you feel yourself heading toward the response you already know doesn’t work, pause and ask:

Is what I’m about to say actually going to help?

You’ll usually know the answer right away.

Notice the question isn’t “Is it true?” or “Am I right?” You probably are. But being right is often exactly what pulls us into correcting, reasoning, and arguing.

If the honest answer is no, there’s another way to get where you’re going. One that protects their dignity, keeps the moment calm, and keeps you connected.

Start With the One Habit That’s Hardest to Break

Six habits is a lot to hold in your head in a hard moment, and I don’t expect anyone to get this right every time. This is a learning curve, not a switch you flip.

These habits also work with nearly everyone else in your life, so of course they’re hard to unlearn. Change starts with noticing, without guilt: “I did it again. What could I try next time?”

Don’t take on all six at once. Pick the one that’s out of your mouth before you realize it, and practice there.

I struggled with these myself when I was caring for my own family.

Catching yourself doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re paying attention.

Where to Find the Rest of These Tools

Many of these strategies are in my book, The Dementia Care Toolkit, which comes out October 26 and is available for preorder now. It’s called a toolkit because it’s full of tools: you can open to a page, find a strategy, and give it a try. One whole section is just for you: the frustration, resentment, guilt, and grief, and how to handle other people’s judgments.

And if you want help figuring out how a strategy would work with your loved one, in your home, that’s what we do inside the Care Collective. You bring your real situation, and we work out together what to try. You can learn more here.

Which of these six is hardest for you to stop? Tell me in the comments under the video. I promise you’re not the only Careblazer working on it.