A Careblazer in one of my programs wanted to take a vacation with her husband. But her mother-in-law lives with them, and her mother-in-law did not want to go stay with her son while they were away.
“I’m fine. I don’t need to go stay with anybody. I can stay in the house. You go on your vacation.”
She wasn’t fine. She wasn’t safe to stay home alone. So this Careblazer was thinking she’d just have to cancel the whole vacation.
If you have ever tried to get someone with dementia to do something you want them to do, or need them to do, and they refused, this is for you. Thankfully she brought it up in a Q&A session, and I got to share something I want every caregiver to know.
Why Someone With Dementia Refuses to Do What You Need
Careblazer, think about it. Most people, and especially people with dementia, do not want to go stay with somebody for supervision. They don’t want to go to adult day care. They don’t want to accept help with something they’ve been able to do on their own for years and years.
And the way we ask usually doesn’t help.
- Going to stay with your kid because you’re not safe to live alone does not sound enticing.
- Going to adult day care so the caregiver can get a rest does not sound enticing to the person with dementia. I know it sounds enticing to you.
- Accepting help with bathing or showering, because it isn’t safe to do alone or every area isn’t getting clean, does not sound enticing.
There can be other things behind a “no” as well, and I go through them in 5 surprising reasons your loved one with dementia resists help.
How to Get Someone With Dementia to Do What You Want: Make It Enticing
The key to getting someone with dementia to do something you want or need them to do is to make it enticing.
So the question is: how do you present what you need in a way that would be enticing to them?
From a Stay for Supervision to a Visit With the Grandkids
Here’s what she ended up doing. During the Q&A, it came out that her mother-in-law has grandkids. The son she needed to stay with has kids of his own.
So instead of continuing to say, “You have to go stay with your son because I want to go on vacation and you’re not safe at home alone,” the story changed:
“The grandkids cannot wait to see you. They made a special art project they’re really proud of, and they want to show it to you.”
All of a sudden it went from a trip for supervision to a trip to visit with the grandkids and look at their art project.
Can you see how one sounds awful? You can’t blame her for not wanting to go. The other one actually sounds interesting. It sounds exciting to her.
How to Make It Enticing for Your Loved One
To apply this to your own situation, think about whatever you’re trying to get them to do. What do you think would entice them? What would make them interested?
Give Adult Day Care a Different Name
I recently saw someone on social media asking what to call adult day care facilities. Because really, who wants to go to adult day care?
I’m a big proponent of this. The language you use matters. So come up with another name that sounds enticing or interesting, like a clubhouse, a volunteer center, or a social club.
But you can’t just give it a cool name. You have to think about what would be a cool name to the person you’re trying to get to go.
My mom doesn’t go to an adult day health care community. But she grew up as a military spouse, and she used to go to the NCO club on base all the time. So if I were trying to get my mom to go to an adult day health care center, I’d be saying, “Hey Mom, let’s go to the NCO club.” In her mind she knows what that means, and it’s tied to fun memories and people.
Connect It to Something They Loved
I’ve worked with people who really enjoyed going to school. So they went to school. “Let’s go to school today.”
The staff at that facility were amazing. They’d send him home with worksheets, stickers and grades. They even held a graduation ceremony for him one day. He loved coming home and showing his Careblazer all the paperwork he’d done that day.
I use a similar way of thinking when someone won’t accept that they need help at all, in how to convince someone with dementia they need help.
What Would Make It Enticing to Them?
Whatever you’re proposing, start with them. Their grandkids, their old club, the school they loved. What would make it enticing for your loved one?
Getting someone you love to agree to help they don’t think they need is one of the hardest parts of caregiving. Inside the Care Collective, we work through situations like this together: what’s behind the refusal, how to present what you need, and how to take care of yourself while you do it. You can learn more here.
