Your mom with Alzheimer’s disease is accusing you of stealing her purse. In reality, she just misplaced it, the way she usually does.
Careblazer, there are three things to never do with someone with dementia. Avoiding them will make your life a lot easier. It also lowers the chances that your loved one feels agitated and has a lot of behavioral outbursts during the day.
That purse is where the first one comes in.
1. Don’t Argue With Someone Who Has Dementia
Just don’t. Arguing with your loved one makes the situation worse. It also makes it more likely that they get agitated and start having the difficult behaviors that make your life so hard.
So here’s what you don’t want to say about the purse:
“Mom, I didn’t steal it. You just lost it again. Remember the last time you misplaced it and thought I stole it, and then we found it later?”
That’s going to lead to a lot of frustration, and probably some backlash from your mother. Two things are wrong with that response.
- You disagreed with her. That increases the chances she gets agitated and angry.
- You asked her to remember a time in the past when she was also wrong. She probably won’t remember it, so all you’ve done is highlight the fact that she can’t remember.
“Don’t you remember?” is one of the phrases I break down in 4 phrases that make dementia behaviors worse, and what I say instead.
Instead, acknowledge what she’s saying and what she’s going through, give a brief response, and then redirect whenever possible. You might try something like:
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’ll help you find it.”
Then distract her. Offer a snack, go for a walk, or put on the TV.
Since misplacing her purse happens often, hopefully you’ve done some detective work in the past and figured out her usual hiding spots. That way you’ll know where to look to help recover it. I share more ideas in strategies for when a loved one with dementia misplaces items.
2. Don’t Correct Someone With Dementia
Your father, who has vascular dementia, starts talking about how he went to work yesterday and has to go back to work tomorrow. In reality, he hasn’t worked in ten years.
You don’t want to say, “Dad, you don’t work anymore. You’re retired.”
Instead, use your active listening skills. Nod, smile, say “That’s nice” or “Okay,” and then move on to something else.
There’s no need to correct him. Let him talk. Your life will be much easier, and he’ll be content to keep talking and sharing what he believes to be true.
There’s no harm. Let it be.
3. Don’t Try to Reason With Someone Who Has Dementia
Trying to reason with your loved one is a losing battle. They no longer have the ability to reason. So you can’t win, so to speak, with someone who can’t reason through what you’re saying.
Let’s say your mom is convinced someone is trying to break into her home and steal her remote control. Don’t say, “Mom, no one is trying to steal your remote control. No one is after you.”
Instead, you might say something like:
- “You know, I talked to your neighbor, and they caught the guy and scared him away. He won’t be coming back.”
- “I talked to the police, and they caught the person who was trying to steal your remote control. They won’t be back.”
By joining in on what she’s saying and being on her level, you can give a brief, short response that addresses her underlying emotion and her need. Then you can move on and distract her with something else.
It’s not about making sense in your world. It’s about making sense in theirs.
I came back to this one years later with a story about a husband who woke up sure a client needed insurance paperwork in the middle of the night, and how his son used reasoning from his reality to calm him.
Why Avoiding These Three Things Helps You Both
Don’t argue. Don’t correct. Don’t try to reason.
Correcting, reasoning and arguing are three of the six habits I walk through, with what to say instead, in what not to say to someone with dementia.
If you can master avoiding these three things, your life as a dementia caregiver will be much easier and less frustrating. And it’s better for your loved one, because you’re not challenging them in a way they can’t understand.
It’s a win-win for both of you.
Biting your tongue when you’re accused of stealing a purse, or hearing about a job that ended ten years ago, is hard to keep doing on your own. Inside the Care Collective, we work through moments like these every week: what to say in the moment, how to cope with how it feels, and how to take care of yourself while you’re caring for your loved one. You can learn more here.
