Your mom wants to cook dinner, and the stove isn’t safe for her anymore. So you say it: “Mom, you can’t cook anymore. Remember, you have dementia, and the doctor said it’s not safe.”
Should you remind someone they have dementia? It’s one of the most common questions I get, and I totally get where it comes from.
Careblazer, for most people, when the goal is to change how your loved one behaves, the answer is no. Here’s how to tell, and what you can do instead.
Why Do You Want to Remind Them?
Start with your reason. What goal are you hoping to accomplish by reminding your loved one they have dementia?
- Maybe you want them to stop resisting your help, and you hope that if they’re reminded, they’ll understand why they need it.
- Maybe you hope they’ll stop arguing with you every time you try to keep them safe and explain why they can’t cook, drive or manage the finances on their own anymore.
- Or maybe you want them to appreciate you a bit more, and give you some recognition for all the time, sacrifice and dedication you’re giving them.
If your goal is to change your loved one’s behavior, or how they approach you, then for most people it’s not a good idea to remind them they have dementia. There are more subtle, more successful ways to get there.
If resisting help is the reason, I go through what’s usually behind it in 5 surprising reasons your loved one with dementia resists help.
Why Reminding Them Backfires
The problem with reminding your loved one they have dementia is that it often backfires.
You’re hoping for more appreciation, more understanding, fewer arguments, more acceptance of your help. What it often does instead is make your loved one more resentful of you. It might make them a little suspicious of you. And it’s likely to lead to more arguments.
Think about what you’re actually telling them. You’re reminding them they can’t do a lot of the things they want to do anymore. That they need a lot of help with basic things they’d love to do on their own, things many of them still believe they can do on their own. And you’re telling them they have a condition with no cure, it’s going to get worse, and that’s why they need all of your help.
I don’t know anybody who would feel better after hearing all of that.
So in many cases, reminding them will just make your loved one feel worse, or sad about themselves. It’s likely to bring more arguments and more resentment toward you. And it may not do much at all, because their memory may be impaired to the point that they forget what you just told them anyway.
Pointing out what someone can no longer do is one of the habits I cover in 6 normal habits that can make dementia behaviors worse.
This Isn’t About the Initial Diagnosis
I want to be clear. This isn’t about your loved one getting the initial diagnosis of dementia.
For the majority of people, I fully support the provider talking with the person who has dementia when that diagnosis is given. Family members should be included. There should be time for questions and time to process the information. Even days and weeks after the diagnosis, there’s a huge benefit to family and close friends helping the person with dementia process it, especially in those early stages.
What I’m talking about is wanting to remind your loved one they have dementia because they’re doing something that makes your caregiving harder. You want them to understand they have dementia and need your help, or that they shouldn’t resist your help, or that they should be a bit more appreciative.
Not every situation is the same. But in those situations, the majority of the time, reminding them backfires and makes your situation much worse.
What to Say Instead of Reminding Them They Have Dementia
Rather than reminding your loved one they have dementia, you can reach your goal another way. Here are two examples.
When Mom Wants to Cook and the Stove Isn’t Safe
Your mom with dementia is no longer safe to cook, and she wants to use the stove to make dinner.
Don’t say: “Mom, you can’t cook anymore. Remember, you have dementia, and the doctor said it’s not safe.”
Instead, you could say something like:
- “Mom, let’s order some takeout from our favorite restaurant.”
- “Actually, I want to treat you to a meal. You’ve done so much already. Sit back and relax, let me take care of this.”
- “Let’s cook together. Can you help me set the table? Here are some napkins to set out.”
Then keep focusing on giving her safe tasks to do to get ready for dinner.
The goal was to keep your mom from using the stove, a potentially dangerous situation. You found a way to do it without reminding her she can’t cook because of her dementia. That lowers the chances she’ll become upset, frustrated and angry.
When Dad Wants to Mow the Lawn
Your dad wants to mow the yard. That’s dangerous, because he has trouble walking and can’t remember how to work the lawnmower correctly.
Don’t say: “Dad, it’s not safe for you to mow the lawn. Remember what the doctor said about your dementia.”
Instead, consider something like:
- “I think it’s supposed to rain later. Let’s hold off on doing that right now.”
- “Actually, the neighbor’s kid wants to mow the lawn to raise some money. It’ll be good for him to learn. Can you help me with something instead?”
For that something, use what you know about his interests. Ask him to help you sort magazines, match socks or sort coins. The possibilities are endless.
Every Situation Is Different
Can you see the difference? Reminding your loved one they have dementia is more likely to lead to anger, resentment, frustration and arguments. The other way is more likely to get you to your goal without making your loved one feel bad that they can’t do that thing anymore.
I know every situation is different. You might need to come up with your own ways of responding that match your loved one’s personality and the situation in front of you. I hope these examples get your gears turning.
In some cases, it can help to talk with your loved one’s health care team, whether that’s a psychologist, a social worker or their physician. They can help you come up with ideas for responding when your loved one wants to do things that aren’t so safe anymore.
Finding a new answer every time your loved one wants to cook, drive or mow the lawn is a lot to do on your own. Inside the Care Collective, we work through moments like these every week: what to say in the moment, how to keep them safe without the argument, and how to take care of yourself while you do it. You can learn more here.
