Your loved one is overdue for a doctor’s appointment, and they refuse to go. And the more you try to talk to them about it, the more angry and irritable and frustrated they seem to get that you’re bringing it up at all.
Refusing to go to the doctor is a really common experience for people caring for a loved one with dementia. Here are some ways to increase the chances your loved one will go.
Why Your Loved One with Dementia Refuses to Go to the Doctor
Before we get into the practical tips, I want you to take a moment and put yourself in your loved one’s shoes.
First of all, who enjoys going to the doctor? I don’t. I don’t think many people do. It’s not a pleasant experience, whatever medical conditions you have.
Now imagine you have a disease that creates confusion. It’s hard to understand what’s going on. You might not even understand that you have a problem with your thinking. That makes going to the doctor all the more scary and unpleasant.
With so many difficult behaviors in dementia, putting yourself in their shoes and having some empathy for why they might be acting this way helps you come up with a game plan that’s actually going to work. You’re responding from a place of empathy and compassion, not from frustration and irritability.
How to Encourage Your Loved One with Dementia to Visit the Doctor
1. Take the Focus Off the Dementia
Instead of “you have to go, you have dementia,” which is something many people don’t want to hear and feel nothing can be done about, make the visit sound normal. Try:
- They’re overdue for a routine checkup.
- The doctor called and wants to see them for a routine checkup.
- The doctor wants to see if there are some things they can do to help improve their memory.
An expected, routine follow-up visit, or one focused on ways to help their memory, is an appointment they might be more likely to go to. For more on presenting a task so your loved one wants to say yes, see when someone with dementia refuses to do something.
2. Have the Doctor’s Office Make the Call
Take the pressure off of you and get your loved one’s doctor’s office involved. Call the office and ask them to call and ask for your loved one, to schedule a routine follow-up, a blood pressure check, or a checkup just to see how they’re doing.
This might make your loved one a little more able to say yes, especially if they can get to the phone and take that call from their own doctor’s office. If your loved one sees a doctor who works with geriatrics and specializes in dementia, this isn’t going to be an out-of-the-ordinary request. They’ll understand.
If the office won’t do it, ask a friend or family member to. You’d already have the appointment in the books. Your friend, neighbor or family member would call as if they’re the doctor’s office, speak with your loved one, and schedule that appointment.
Why does this work? Older adults with dementia are sometimes more likely to be agreeable and follow what a doctor’s office says than what you say. They often see you as the person telling them to do things they don’t agree with, or getting in the way of things they don’t think they need help with. So whenever you can put it on somebody else, it can make your loved one more open to the idea.
3. Ask a Close Friend to Help
Does your loved one have a close friend they spend time with during the week? See if that friend can help out in the cause.
The friend can bring up that they have an upcoming doctor’s appointment, that they’re a little scared about it and don’t really look forward to going, and then ask your loved one if they’ve ever felt the same way.
It’s a safe, supportive way to talk about the feelings that come up when it’s time to go to the doctor. That friend can help normalize those feelings: “Yeah, I’m scared when I go too, but I know it’s best for my health.” Again, it takes the pressure of convincing your loved one off of you.
4. Ask Yourself Whether This Appointment Needs to Happen
I want to be very clear. I am NOT saying don’t take your loved one to the doctor.
But when you get really wrapped up in trying to get them there, ask yourself:
- Is this really important?
- Does my loved one actually have to go to the doctor in the very near future?
- What is this appointment going to accomplish? What’s the goal?
- Is it an appointment because my loved one has dementia, I don’t know what to do, and it feels like they need one? Or has the doctor’s office been calling about something very specific they want to look at and address?
Sometimes we get so focused on “we have to see the doctor every six months” or “every four months” that we don’t stop and ask whether it’s absolutely necessary.
You may have had this experience. You get your loved one up early, get them dressed, convince them to get in the car, and get to the doctor. You wait forever in the waiting room. You finally get into the exam room and you have 15 or 20 minutes with the doctor. Then you leave, and you didn’t get any of your questions answered, or you’re not even sure what you got out of the appointment. Sadly, I hear these stories a lot.
So before you start the uphill battle of convincing your loved one to go, talk to their doctor and make sure this is an important time for them to go, with very clear things that are going to be addressed. We don’t want to go just for the sake of going. We want it to do some good for your loved one, and to be necessary. Once you know the visit matters, here’s how to prepare for the next doctor’s appointment so your questions get answered in the room.
Sometimes just letting the doctor’s office know that your loved one has a really hard time getting there helps. They might be more willing to do some things over the phone, or to push things that aren’t as urgent a little further off, to help your situation out.
When Your Loved One Still Refuses to Go
Unfortunately, there are situations where no matter what you do, and no matter how many of these tips you’ve tried, your loved one with dementia will just refuse to go to the doctor. There’s no way you’re getting them into the car, and no story you can tell them that will get them there.
Sadly, in these cases there often isn’t much you can do. A lot of the time what ends up getting them to the doctor is something like a big fall that results in a broken hip or another broken bone. They get to the hospital by ambulance, and that leads to a whole domino effect of rehab and doctor’s visits.
So know this. In some cases, getting your loved one to the doctor just might not be able to happen, no matter what you do. That’s not something you’re doing wrong.
Doctors and Therapists Who Come to the House
If you haven’t already, check with your local Area Agency on Aging. I walk through how to find yours in where to get help after a dementia diagnosis.
Because it’s so hard to get people with dementia to the doctor, your Area Agency on Aging may know of programs that actually come out to your house and see your loved one there. Some of these programs send providers to the home for medical appointments, geropsychology appointments, physical therapy, nutrition therapy and social work.
I’ve worked on a program like that, and a lot of people with dementia are more open to these visits. They feel more approachable, more comfortable and a little less scary, because your loved one is in their own environment. They don’t have to leave home for a place that’s really confusing, with a lot of distractions, a lot of noise, and a lot of people they don’t recognize.
Every situation is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. My hope is that one of these ideas is the one that works for yours.
When the person you’re caring for won’t go, it can feel like everything rests on you. Inside the Care Collective, we talk through exactly these moments: why your loved one is refusing, what to try next, and how to take care of yourself while you keep trying. You can learn more here.
