Careblazer, you’ve probably heard a million times how important self-care is, for caregivers especially.
If you already know all of this and still keep putting yourself last, you’re in good company. Most caregivers already know this advice, and wait until it feels absolutely necessary to follow it.
But let’s be honest. Finding real time for yourself can be really difficult. Caregiving comes with so many demands, and it takes so much of your time.
So let’s talk about self-care for caregivers who are short on time and money. Real-world, practical ways to do it when you’re super busy, which I know you are. And at the end, three ways to get more time back into your day.
1. Stay in the Present Moment
Instead of worrying about what might happen in the future, or all the things going wrong right now, or the thing that went wrong earlier today, last week or last month… focus on the present moment.
This can help you feel calmer, because it’s near impossible to be stressed out and anxious when you are fully in the present moment. In the present moment, everything is okay most of the time. Right now, as you read this, everything is okay in this exact moment.
Staying in the present moment looks like engaging as many of your senses as you can.
Let’s say you’re washing dishes. It’s such a mundane task, and it would be very easy for your mind to drift to everything you have to do and everything that isn’t going well. You can do this task and add to your stress. Or you can use it as an opportunity for self-care, by noticing:
- the weight of the dishes in your hands
- the texture of the wash rag
- the smell and the colors of the detergent
- the feel and the temperature of the water as it runs down your hands
These are all small things. But they bring in all of your senses and keep you fully present, so you’re not adding to your stress by thinking about everything else.
You can do this with so many mundane tasks during the day. The goal is just to stay focused on what you’re doing and bring in as many senses as you can.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel Joy, Even When Times Are Tough
It is okay to be happy and to have moments of joy, even when things aren’t going well and even when people in your life are sick. It’s not a requirement for you to feel guilty, or to withhold joy from yourself.
This is a big one, actually.
My dad passed away on the Monday of Thanksgiving week. Three days later, on Thanksgiving, I went to the gym for a special gratitude fitness class. I was having lots of fun. The music was great.
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Here I am having fun, and my dad passed away three days ago. I had to fight back tears in the middle of that class.
In that moment I had to remind myself that feeling joy does not mean we aren’t also feeling grief. Feeling joy does not mean we don’t love the person we’re caring for, or the person who has just passed away. It doesn’t mean you don’t feel sad about what has happened.
Both of these things exist at the same time. Life comes with all the emotions, and it’s okay to experience them all. Even the good ones.
3. Enjoy the Micro Moments in Your Day
I like this one because it’s pretty simple. Look for the tiny bits of happiness and the opportunities for joy that are already in your day.
These are things you’re already doing. You’re just not delighting in them, or pausing and showing gratitude while you do them.
It can be as simple as truly enjoying the first couple of sips of your coffee in the morning, before your loved one needs you.
This is a really great tool for self-care, because we often think of self-care as something that needs a lot of time. An event on the calendar. Something that requires you to leave your current environment. And as Careblazers, we know that’s really difficult to come by.
So the moments happening all the time, the ones you haven’t considered before, are real opportunities for self-care. You can practice being in the present moment, like we talked about, and practice gratitude in that moment too. Even in the shower, delighting in a new scented body wash. Or while you’re folding laundry, listening to some of your favorite uplifting music.
4. Take Deep Breaths
This is something we hear about all the time. None of it is revolutionary new information. But if we keep hearing the same thing over and over, maybe there’s a reason.
So what can taking deep breaths do? If you look at the research, it could:
- help improve your focus, help you think more clearly and help you make better decisions, because you’re literally increasing the oxygen to your brain
- help lower your blood pressure and heart rate
- help reduce pain in your body by releasing endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkiller
- help improve your sleep
- even help with digestion
That’s a lot, from something that takes nothing and no extra time. Just sprinkle some deep breathing throughout your day. You might even practice it during those mundane activities and in those micro moments.
5. Notice the Good About Yourself
We’ve talked a lot on this channel about the importance of noticing the good in your loved one with dementia. It can reduce agitation, restlessness and a lot of those behavioral expressions. It can improve your relationship. It can even make the person with dementia more receptive to your care.
What we haven’t talked about much is purposefully looking for the good in yourself.
This is going to be incredibly hard, because we are incredibly hard on ourselves, and we’re wired to see more of the negative.
But I would strongly encourage you to consider building a habit, maybe a nighttime routine, of thinking of three very specific things that are good about yourself, every single day. Maybe it’s a quality, like being a kind person or a loving person. Or maybe it’s something specific that happened that day:
- how you managed to make dinner, despite feeling totally exhausted and not wanting to
- how you managed to get all of the errands done, even though you had so much on your to-do list
- how you were able to navigate a really challenging moment
Look for these things, because I guarantee you they are happening. You’re just not acknowledging yourself for them.
Being a kind caregiver isn’t just about being kind to the person with dementia. It’s about being kind to yourself as well.
What If You Do Have Extra Time or Money?
Then you can do the self-care activities many of us think of traditionally. Grabbing lunch with a friend. Getting a manicure or pedicure. Getting your hair done. For me, if I had some extra time, I would love to go out and play pickleball.
But as we’ve talked about, there are many things you can do for self-care that don’t require time or money. I don’t even really like the term self-care. I use the term lifecare.
If you struggle with guilt, and feel like anything you do for yourself somehow takes away from your loved one, we want to squash that right away. I go into that guilt in how to stop feeling guilty as a dementia caregiver.
How to Get More Time for Self-Care as a Caregiver
Here are three ways to get more time for yourself, so you can do other kinds of self-care without also juggling caregiving at the same time.
Respite Care
There are formal respite care options. A professional caregiver might come to your home and sit with your loved one for several hours at a time, so you can use that time however you’d like. There are also professional respite services where your loved one stays in a facility for days to weeks while you go do what you need to do.
Respite can also be nonprofessional, where a neighbor or a family member comes to relieve you for a few hours, so you can do whatever you need or want to do.
Explore the respite opportunities in your area. If you’re in the United States, Google your local Area Agency on Aging and see what options they can tell you about. If your loved one goes to a clinic, ask if there’s a social worker on staff you could talk to.
I cover both of those places, and what to say when you call, in where to get help after a dementia diagnosis.
Adult Day Programs
Adult day health care programs are places your loved one can go for a half day or a full day. They have activities during the day, trained staff and meals. It’s kind of a fun thing your loved one can go do.
Ask for Help
This is probably something all of you could do today. It will also probably make you feel extremely uncomfortable.
Tell your friends and family what would really be helpful to you, or what would make you happy. Maybe they can watch your loved one while you go do something you enjoy, once a week or even once a month. Maybe they can get something scheduled on the books.
This is a great thing to ask for when your birthday or a holiday is coming up and people are asking what you’d like. A break might be a wonderful answer to give.
Taking Care of Yourself Is Not Selfish
Remember, Careblazer, taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is necessary.
It doesn’t only help you. It helps your loved one with dementia, because when you’re feeling good, you can be a better caregiver.
And start small. You don’t have to make big changes, and you don’t have to make all of these changes right away. Just choose one thing you can start doing. Maybe it’s just deep breathing.
These tiny steps are what build the foundation for a big difference in how you feel.
If finding time for yourself feels impossible right now, that’s something we talk about inside the Care Collective: self-care, lifecare, mental health and well-being, right alongside how to communicate with your loved one. Every week there are live sessions where I or another dementia expert answer your questions, and support rooms where you can connect with other Careblazers. You can learn more here.
