“I’m doing everything wrong.” “Nothing’s going to work.” “This is impossible.” “My loved one is being stubborn on purpose.”
If those thoughts run through your head most days, and all you seem to see is the stress, the failures and what you’re not doing well enough, that is your brain doing exactly what it’s trained to do.
And you can retrain your brain to help you instead of work against you.
The brain system behind this is called the reticular activating system, RAS for short. It has a huge impact on how you feel, what you notice, and even the results you get in caregiving. We usually focus on the brain of the person with dementia. This time I want to focus on yours. Once you understand how it works, you can start to feel calmer, more confident and more in control.
What Is the Reticular Activating System (RAS)?
The reticular activating system is a bundle of nerves located at the base of your brain, in the brainstem. Its job is simple, but very powerful. It acts as a filter for your brain.
Your brain is bombarded by millions of pieces of information every single second. What you see, what you hear, what you feel, what you remember, what you’re thinking.
It’s impossible to focus on all of it. We would literally shut down. So the RAS steps in and asks: What’s important here? What should I let through the filter and into this person’s conscious awareness? And what should I keep in the background?
Here is the most important piece.
The RAS isn’t deciding what’s important. You are. It follows your lead.
Whatever you’re repeatedly thinking about, worrying about, focusing on and believing, your RAS will prioritize more of that information.
Why This Matters for Dementia Caregivers
If you have lots of thoughts like “I’m doing everything wrong,” “I can’t do anything right,” “This is too hard,” “Nothing’s going to work,” “My loved one is being stubborn on purpose” or “My life is horrible,” you are training your RAS to say: Got it. That’s what’s important. I’ll go find more of that.
It goes and finds it in your reality, and makes sure it gets through your filter. Suddenly you’re noticing everything that proves those thoughts are true. Every hard moment. Every setback. Every time something doesn’t work. Every reason things are overwhelming.
We’re literally making our lives, and our caregiving, more difficult.
But it works the other way too.
When you intentionally start focusing on thoughts like “That moment went a little bit better,” “They smiled at me today,” “I handled that situation more calmly than I used to,” “I believe there’s something I can do to make this easier” or “I know there’s a solution out there for me,” your RAS will start to shift. It starts tuning in to the signals, the information and the evidence around you, and bringing more of it into your awareness.
This might seem a little out there. It’s not magic. It’s biology.
The White Truck: How Your RAS Works in Everyday Life
Most of us have already experienced this without realizing it was the RAS at work.
Say you were thinking of buying a new car, and you wanted a white truck. All of a sudden, you’re seeing white trucks all over the road.
Did everybody start buying white trucks? No. You told your RAS, “A white truck is important to me right now.” So it started letting them through into your conscious awareness.
The same number of white trucks were always there. You’re just noticing them more now.
How to Start Retraining Your Brain Today
Here’s how to start getting your RAS to work for you.
1. Notice the thoughts you’re having
Start paying attention to the thoughts you have most of the time. You probably won’t be surprised by what you find.
If a lot of your thoughts are “Nothing’s ever going to work,” “This is too hard” or “My loved one is being difficult on purpose,” I’m guessing your experience of life lines up with those thoughts. It becomes your reality.
If thoughts like these are keeping you stuck on a big decision, I go through five of them in why dementia caregivers get stuck on hard decisions.
2. Practice a thought you actually believe
Instead of one of those habit thoughts that isn’t giving you the results you want, try practicing another one. “I believe there might be a solution out there for me.” “I might find a way to make life easier for me today.”
Don’t lie to yourself. Make it a thought you actually believe, something in the realm of possibility.
3. Give your RAS an order
You can set more of an intention. “I’m going to notice one thing I did really well today.” Or, “I’m going to notice one thing my loved one did well today.”
You’re literally giving your RAS an order. This is what I’m looking for. This matters to me. Find it. Make sure I see it.
4. Write it down
To take it a step further, write down what you noticed. One, two, maybe three things that went slightly better. Over time, your brain starts to expect success instead of failure.
5. Ask yourself, “What’s another way to look at this?”
At the very least, Careblazer, here is what I hope you can do. It can make a big shift in your life and your caregiving.
Notice when you’re thinking those super negative thoughts. And instead of “I can’t do this, nothing’s working,” ask yourself, “What’s another way to look at this?”
This Isn’t About “Positive Vibes Only”
I want to be very clear about this. We are not denying reality. We’re expanding it.
It’s not about positive vibes only, or only thinking positive thoughts, or toxic positivity. It’s neuroscience. Your brain is always filtering. The question is whether you’re filtering with intention.
It doesn’t mean you can never feel sad, upset or frustrated. It means you’re also putting intention out there to see the things that bring you joy, that bring you calm, that give you confidence.
This is how real change happens. One shift at a time, by raising your awareness of what’s going on in your brain and letting it know what you want more of.
Why Change Feels So Hard
At baseline, our brains are wired to keep us stuck. To make sure we don’t do anything that could put us in danger, or anything that takes a lot of energy or motivation.
This is why so many people have trouble building new habits and sticking to health goals. It’s why the gym is full on January 1st and not so full by March 1st. Our brains want to keep us in the cave, because that’s what they think is safe.
But knowing what we know about neuroscience and biology, we can use that information to become the Careblazer we want to be.
What I’ve Seen When Caregivers Use This
The Careblazers I’ve worked with who understand how the RAS works, and use it to their advantage even during the hardest parts of caregiving, have started to feel more grounded, more joyful, more in control and more confident.
And they build better relationships. With their loved one, with other family members, and with themselves.
You’re Not Responsible for the Dementia
Here’s the thing. You’re not responsible for the dementia. But you are responsible for your mindset.
In some ways, we’re not really experiencing our loved one. We’re experiencing our thoughts about our loved one, because the RAS is filtering our reality based on those thoughts.
That’s a big concept. Let it sink in.
You’re not powerless here. Your brain is incredibly powerful, and with the right tools and the right support you can train it to help you feel better, show up stronger, and start to see more positive results in your life.
Your brain can be a burden, or it can be a superpower. I hope you’ll choose to let it be a superpower.
Changing the thoughts you’ve been living with is easier with people around you who are doing the same work. Inside the Care Collective, we work on the mindset side of caregiving as well as the behaviors: practical solutions to hard moments, time with me and other experts, and a community of Careblazers who have been where you are. You can learn more here.
