After a talk I gave at the Dementia Friendly Tempe Annual Dementia Summit, a woman came up to me and asked, “What can I do? I’m a sandwich caregiver. Do you have any resources for me?”
She was a young woman, married, with young kids, caring for a parent with dementia. And she felt like most of the resources out there were written for people caring for a spouse or a partner.
So this is for you, Eileen. And for anyone else raising children while caring for an aging parent.
What Is the Sandwich Generation?
If you have children and you have a parent who needs care, you may very well be part of the sandwich caregiver generation. A sandwich caregiver is caring for their children and, at the same time, caring for an aging parent.
And this group is growing every day. Through 2030, about 10,000 Americans turn 65 every single day, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
Among Americans in their 40s, more than half, 54 percent, are sandwiched between an aging parent and their own children, according to Pew Research Center. That makes them the age group most likely to find themselves being a sandwich caregiver. By their 50s, 45 percent are still sandwiched, and most of those (61 percent) have also helped an adult child financially.
5 Challenges Sandwich Generation Caregivers Face
All types of caregiving come with stressors. But there are some unique stressors that sandwich caregivers face. Here are the five I see most.
1. Dual Responsibilities
Sandwich caregivers are juggling caring for their children and caring for their aging parents. At the same time.
2. Financial Strain
Sandwich caregivers are twice as likely to report financial difficulties because of caregiving expenses compared to caregivers who aren’t sandwiched.
3. Your Job and Your Career
This is a big one. Sandwich caregivers tend to still be in the workforce. That means they have the demands of raising children and caring for an aging parent, and they’re also trying to manage the demands of their job.
That often means:
- Reducing the hours they work
- Taking leave time away from work to care for their parent
- Passing up promotions, because they know they won’t be able to take on the extra responsibility
- Sometimes getting passed over for promotions they’re excellent candidates for, because people at work know about the challenges they’re dealing with at home
- Thinking about leaving the workforce early, or actually leaving it
We have several members inside the Care Collective facing this very decision right now: leave their job, or stay. No doubt about it, being a sandwich caregiver can hurt your career progression.
4. Emotional Strain
Sandwich caregivers tend to experience higher levels of emotional strain. They’re more prone to burnout, anxiety and depression than caregivers who aren’t sandwiched.
5. Not Enough Time
Sandwich caregivers have to balance work, children and elder care. That often means sacrificing a lot of their own personal time and their own self-care, which leads to significant overwhelm.
5 Common Tips for Sandwich Caregivers
These are tips you’ll probably hear a lot if you ever search for how to cope as a sandwich caregiver. They’re common for a reason.
1. Check Whether Your Employer Offers an Employee Assistance Program
An employee assistance program may help you through some of the challenges of caregiving. It might offer traditional talk therapy, individual therapy, group therapy or emotional support. Some also offer stipends to help with certain caregiving expenses.
As the population continues to age, more and more employers are working caregiver support into their employee assistance programs. So it’s worth checking into.
2. Look Into In-Home Support Services
When we think about in-home support for dementia care, we usually think about hands-on care and supervision for our loved one with dementia.
I’d strongly encourage you to also consider other kinds of support in the home, like meal delivery or housekeeping services. These can free up some of the responsibility on you.
3. Consider Respite Care
Respite care can be the formal kind, where a professional caregiver or agency comes into the home and cares for your loved one. Or your loved one might go to a facility and get professional care for a while, so you can do whatever you need to do, or whatever you want to do, during that time.
I’d also encourage you to think about informal respite care. This can come from siblings, other family members, neighbors or church members, who come and sit with your loved one, or even take them out, just to give you a few hours a week to do anything besides caregiving.
4. Ask for Help
This one is really obvious. It’s simple. And it’s extremely difficult for many caregivers.
We have to ask the community around us for help. Even if you’re nervous or uncomfortable asking, and even if right now you don’t think you have anybody you can ask.
5. Be Proactive
If you’re caring for a parent with dementia, you know the dementia is going to progress. It’s going to get worse, and the amount of help your parent needs is going to increase with time.
So start thinking through your future plans now. You might want to talk to their doctor, a social worker, or an elder law attorney to help you plan for that future, financially and legally.
If you don’t know where to start, I walk through who to call first in where to get help after a dementia diagnosis.
3 Sandwich Caregiver Tips That Don’t Get Talked About Enough
These are the three I think matter most, from working with thousands of sandwich generation caregivers. They don’t get talked about a lot, but I hear about them all the time.
1. Keep an Open Line of Communication With Your Partner
If you’re married or in a serious relationship, and you’re caring for an aging parent and raising kids, this is going to put a strain on your relationship. No doubt.
But get ahead of it. Have open communication with your partner. Let them know how you’re doing and how they can best support you.
And be open to hearing their concerns about you. They’re often going to notice when you’re being spread extremely thin. They’re going to notice when your stress levels are getting extremely high. They’ll probably want to offer solutions and ways to help. Recognize it as them truly caring about you, loving you and wanting to help you.
You might even talk about the signs that would suggest a major change is needed in the caregiving situation. What would they notice about you that would say, okay, we might not be able to keep doing this?
Bottom line: an open line of communication with your partner, no matter what. Do not let being a sandwich caregiver tear your relationship apart. Stick together through this.
2. Talk to Your Children About What’s Going On
Because you’re a sandwich caregiver, you have children. Consider whether they’re at the age where they know something strange is going on with grandma or grandpa. They notice something’s different with you. They notice, or feel, your level of stress.
Talk to them about what’s going on. You can use your discretion about how much detail you share. But let them know their grandparent has a condition that needs a lot of help and attention, and that sometimes it might make them say or do things that don’t seem quite normal, or that might be scary.
They’re going to notice what’s happening anyway. Keep an open dialogue with them about it.
3. Stay Connected With Your Siblings
Keep an open line of communication with any siblings you have, even if they live far away. For me, this is extremely important. Don’t let caregiving tear apart your relationship with your siblings too.
Usually when an adult child is caring for a parent, one sibling takes on the majority of the caregiving. In my family, it’s me. I’m not a sandwich caregiver, because I don’t have children. But I do most of the caregiving for my dad, and both of my siblings live out of state.
I update them on what’s going on with my dad. And when they try to give me advice or say something, I know it’s coming from a place of wanting to help. I try to remind myself of that as much as possible.
One of the most helpful things for me is when my brother calls just to tell me he loves me and thank me for what I’m doing for my dad. He lets me know he’s there for me. He asks what he can do, even though a lot of the time there isn’t really anything for him to do. The fact that he asks really helps. And I tell him that.
I also use my siblings when I just need to vent. “I just need to get this off my chest.” “You will never believe what I had to do today.” That helps.
Caregiving first for my mom and now for my dad has actually brought me and my siblings closer together. But it’s taken a lot of effort on my part. I get triggered when I hear, “Oh, he sounds great today,” or “He looked good in that picture,” when I know what’s happening 24/7 and how much work it takes.
I don’t make it mean that they don’t believe me. I make it mean that this is hard for somebody long distance to really grasp. That’s the kind of mental work it takes. And for me, it’s worth it to keep those relationships strong.
If family keeps telling you your loved one seems fine, I go deeper into why in when everyone says your loved one with dementia seems fine.
Support for Sandwich Caregivers
Careblazer, there is support out there for you.
When you’re stretched between your kids, your parent and your job, it helps to have one place to bring it all. Inside the Care Collective, you get more personalized support: a library you can use any time, support rooms, and expert Q&A sessions where you can ask your own questions, including how to plan for the future. You can learn more here.
Sources & References
U.S. Census Bureau, “By 2030, All Baby Boomers Will Be Age 65 or Older”
