Everything around you this time of year says it’s the most wonderful time of the year. The happiest time. The time when families share the most love.
Careblazer, I know that sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.
Caregiving doesn’t stop on the holidays. It doesn’t know a date on the calendar. And this can be one of the hardest times of the year, because you can’t celebrate the way you once did. It can bring back memories of happier, more peaceful, more joyful times. And you’re left trying to figure out what to do this season while caring for a loved one with dementia.
There can be a lot of sadness and pain in this time of year. That’s where these tips come in. Here are the five dementia-friendly holiday tips I’d start with.
1. Recognize That Joy May Look Different Now
This is the most important one in my mind. Joy for a person with dementia might look different than you would like, or than you would expect.
Many people with dementia have what’s called lack of affect. They may not be able to show emotion through their words, their tone, their facial expressions or their body language.
So what does that look like? You do something to bring them joy. You bake cookies, give them a present, put on music. And your loved one doesn’t show much of anything at all.
It would be very easy to read that as them not appreciating what you’re doing, not enjoying it, not having a good time at all. I really want to caution you against that. This is a symptom of dementia. They may be unable to express their joy or their true feelings, and that doesn’t mean they aren’t enjoying themselves.
Instead, try recognizing joy a little differently. Look for more subtle cues that they’re doing okay, or that they might be liking the experience:
- A relaxed posture
- A gentle smile
- Staying a little bit engaged in the activity
- Simply not having a distressing reaction
Those can all be signs that they are in fact enjoying themselves, even if it doesn’t look the way you would expect.
2. Choose Quality Over Quantity This Holiday Season
This time of year there may be lots of traditions, activities and events you could choose. You could absolutely choose any of them. But you probably don’t want to choose all of them.
A lot going on in a short period of time, like the span of four weeks, can be overwhelming and too much stimulation for the person with dementia. It also adds a lot of pressure for you, and it can make things overwhelming for you as well.
Select a few really meaningful experiences. Focus on those and make the most of them, rather than feeling like you have to fit in everything you’ve fit in in years past.
3. Prepare Family and Friends Before Holiday Visits
If other people are going to be around your loved one, take some time ahead of time to give them tips for conversation.
- What topics does your loved one really enjoy talking about?
- What topics should they stay away from?
A few tips beforehand can make the visit better for them and for your loved one with dementia.
If you want more on what tends to help in conversation and what tends to make things harder, I go through it in 6 normal habits that can make dementia behaviors worse.
4. Involve Your Loved One With Dementia in the Festivities
Think about how you can include your loved one in the festivities as much as possible. That might look like:
- Listening to favorite holiday music together
- Decorating the tree together
- Hanging stockings together
- Baking cookies together
It’s really easy to keep them out of the way so you can get everything done quicker. But creating memories with them, and including them in a way they’re able to manage, can help them feel like they’re contributing. And it can help create more positive memories together.
They might not be able to do everything the way you would like. But perhaps they can hang one or two ornaments, and you can help direct them where to put each one if they’re not sure. With the cookies, maybe they’re the taste tester. Maybe they help with the mixing, or cut out a shape with a cookie cutter.
Be creative, open and flexible in your ideas for how to include them.
5. Embrace Flexible Holiday Traditions
Speaking of flexible, the last tip is to be open to adapting your traditions to fit the current situation.
If you’ve always had a large family dinner on New Year’s Eve, but you know that’s going to be overwhelming for your loved one, maybe you consider a more intimate family dinner.
If you always have a lovely holiday family dinner, but your loved one gets restless and a little antsy in the evenings, maybe you shift it to a family lunch.
If evenings have been getting harder in general, I explain why that happens in why your loved one with dementia gets worse in the evening.
By being flexible and open to this kind of creativity, you get to keep the spirit of your family traditions alive. And you get to adapt them in a way that meets the needs of your loved one with dementia.
Joy and Pain Can Share the Same Season
The holiday season is really about the connections and the love we share with one another, more than any specific tradition.
And as hard as it may be to believe or to imagine, it is possible to experience joy this holiday season alongside the pain.
When the season brings up as much sadness as it does joy, it helps to have people who understand. Inside the Care Collective, we talk through exactly these moments: adapting what you’ve always done, preparing your family, and taking care of yourself while you care for your loved one. You can learn more here.
