How to Get Someone with Dementia to Do What You Want: Making It Enticing
If you’ve ever tried to get a loved one with dementia to do something they don’t want to do, you know how challenging it can be. Maybe you’ve tried convincing them to go to a doctor’s appointment, take a bath, or even just go for a walk. It can feel like a never-ending battle, right? Well, you’re not alone. In fact, I recently had a conversation with one of my Careblazers that highlights this exact struggle—and more importantly, how to overcome it.
So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea!), settle in, and let’s chat about a strategy that might just change the game for you.
The Vacation Dilemma: A Real-Life Story
Picture this: A Careblazer I was speaking to wanted to take a well-deserved vacation with her husband. Sounds amazing, right? But, there was a catch. She’s also a caregiver for her mother-in-law, who lives with them, and her mother-in-law wasn’t too thrilled about the idea of leaving her home. In fact, she outright refused to go stay with her son while the couple went on vacation.
Now, this Careblazer was in a tough spot. She knew her mother-in-law wasn’t safe to stay home alone, but the mother-in-law insisted she was fine. She kept saying, “I don’t need to go anywhere, you can go on vacation, and I’ll stay right here.”
This Careblazer was on the verge of canceling her trip when she brought up the issue during one of our Q&A sessions. And that’s when we stumbled upon something really important that every caregiver should know: It’s not about forcing them to do what you want, it’s about making what you want them to do enticing to them.
Why “Enticing” is Key
Let’s face it: nobody likes to be told what to do, especially when it feels like it’s taking away their independence. This is especially true for people living with dementia. They don’t want to be supervised, go to adult daycare, or accept help for things they’ve been doing independently for years. And, honestly, who can blame them?
So, how do we work around this?
The key is to flip the script. Instead of framing the task as something they “have to do,” make it something they’ll actually want to do. It’s not about manipulation; it’s about understanding what motivates them and presenting the task in a way that aligns with their interests.
Turning “No” into “Yes”: A Simple Shift in Perspective
Back to our Careblazer and her mother-in-law. Instead of telling her mother-in-law she needed to go stay with her son for supervision while they went on vacation (which, let’s be real, sounds pretty unappealing), we reframed the situation.
During the Q&A session, we discovered that her son had kids—her mother-in-law’s grandkids. Now, most grandparents love spending time with their grandkids, right? So, instead of saying, “You need to go stay with your son because you can’t be alone,” the Careblazer told her mother-in-law, “The grandkids can’t wait to see you! They’ve been working on a special art project just for you, and they want to show it to you.”
Boom. Instant success. What was once a dreaded trip for supervision became an exciting visit to see her grandkids and check out their artwork. The power of framing!
This shift made all the difference, and the Careblazer was able to take her vacation without worry, knowing her mother-in-law was happy and safe.
Finding What Entices Your Loved One
So, how do you apply this to your own situation? Think about what your loved one enjoys or cares about. What makes them light up? It might be something as simple as spending time with family, revisiting a favorite hobby, or connecting with past experiences.
For example, I’ve heard from caregivers who had success getting their loved ones to attend adult daycare by rebranding it as something more appealing. Let’s be honest—who wants to go to “adult daycare”? It doesn’t sound fun. But what if it were called a “clubhouse,” a “volunteer center,” or a “social club”? The name alone can make a huge difference.
In fact, I often talk about how the language you use matters. For one Careblazer, her mother used to go to the NCO Club on base as a military spouse. So instead of saying, “Let’s go to adult daycare,” this Careblazer started saying, “Let’s go to the NCO Club.” Her mom associated the NCO Club with fun times and happy memories, so she was excited to go. Same place, different name—huge impact.
Tailor the Experience to Their Past
Another example: One Careblazer’s loved one had fond memories of school, so instead of saying they were going to an adult day center, the Careblazer would say, “We’re going to school today!” The staff at the center even played along, giving the person worksheets and grades, and they held a graduation ceremony one day. The person loved it, and it made the whole experience enjoyable.
The takeaway here is that you know your loved one best. Think about their history, their passions, and their personality. What would make them excited about the task at hand?
Breaking Down the Process: Steps to Success
- Identify the task: What is it that you want your loved one to do? Is it going to a doctor’s appointment? Taking a bath? Going on a trip? Get clear on the task first.
Think about their interests: What do they love? Is it spending time with family? Being creative? Socializing? Pinpoint what makes them happy or curious.
Reframe the task: Instead of focusing on what you need them to do, think about how you can present it in a way that aligns with their interests. For example, instead of “We need to go to the doctor,” you could say, “Let’s go meet a new friend at the clinic today.”
Be patient and flexible: Sometimes it might take a few tries to find the right approach. Don’t get discouraged if your first attempt doesn’t work—keep tweaking and adjusting until you find what works for your loved one.
The takeaway here is that you know your loved one best. Think about their history, their passions, and their personality. What would make them excited about the task at hand?
Final Thoughts: Make It Fun, Make It Engaging
At the end of the day, caregiving can be tough, and getting someone with dementia to do what you want or need them to do isn’t always easy. But with a little creativity and empathy, you can turn those “no” moments into “yes” moments by simply making the task enticing for them.
So, what’s your next step? Think about what task you’ve been struggling with and brainstorm how you can reframe it to appeal to your loved one’s interests. And hey, share your success stories with me! What worked for you? I’d love to hear about it.
Until next time, Careblazers—stay strong, stay creative, and keep going. You’ve got this!
FAQs About Dementia Care:
Q: What should I do if my loved one refuses to go to adult daycare?
A: Reframe the experience! Think about what your loved one enjoys. Can you call it something more appealing, like a “clubhouse” or “volunteer center”? Tailor the name and the approach to their interests.
Q: How can I get my loved one to accept help with personal care?
A: Focus on what would make the task enticing. Instead of saying, “You need help with bathing,” try framing it as something fun or comforting, like, “Let’s have a relaxing spa day together!”
Q: Is it manipulative to reframe tasks like this?
A: Not at all! You’re simply finding a way to align their needs with their interests. It’s about helping them feel safe, comfortable, and engaged in a way that works for them.
This strategy is about making life easier for both you and your loved one. You’re not tricking them—you’re meeting them where they are.
Want to watch the in-depth video that inspired this post?
Click the video below to watch. ↓
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