Is this the “right” way to respond?
It’s one of the most common questions I hear.
A family member tells me about a hard moment they faced, explains how they handled it, and then asks,
“Was that okay? Did I do the right thing?”
And my answer is almost always the same:
How did your loved one respond?
That’s the real measure of whether something worked.
If your loved one stayed calm, moved on, or even cracked a smile, it’s probably a helpful approach for them.
If they got more upset, more agitated, or more withdrawn, it’s probably an approach we can tweak.
Because here’s the truth:
People with dementia are different.
Different personalities. Different temperaments. Different histories.
And that means they won’t all respond the same way to the same words.
What calms one person might irritate another.
What works beautifully today might fall flat next week.
So instead of looking for the “perfect” response, try this instead:
Pay attention to what works for your person.
That’s how we become more confident in our caregiving — by learning from the only expert that truly matters in that moment: them.
Let me give you an example:
Let’s say your loved one shouts, “I hate you.”
And you respond by saying, “That’s mean.”
Whether or not that was the “right” thing to say depends entirely on what happened next.
Did they get more upset?
Did they calm down?
Did they change the subject?
Their response is the information you need.
For my dad, humor worked wonders. If I had said something like, “Take a number, there’s a whole line of people who hate me,” he would’ve laughed, relaxed, and let it go.
For someone else, a softer tone might be better.
Something like, “I still love you very much” might be just what they need.
Not every response has to sound sweet and tender.
Not every response has to make sense to outsiders.
It just has to help your loved one feel safe in that moment.
So if you’re ever unsure if you handled something “the right way,” try asking yourself:
Did this help settle things, or stir things up?
And remember, caregiving isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being in tune.
And that skill gets stronger every time you practice.
Have you ever noticed someone with dementia leaning heavily to one side while sitting or walking?
It’s called Pisa Syndrome — named after the Leaning Tower of Pisa — and it doesn’t get talked about much.
In this week’s video, I explain what Pisa Syndrome is, why it happens, and what caregivers can do if they start noticing it in their loved one.
This is one of those subtle but important changes to keep an eye on.
This week, I’m sharing a product that can help bring calm and comfort to your loved one — especially during moments of restlessness or agitation. Rather than me tell you what it does, I’ll let this caregiver review speak for itself:
There are over 1,000 five-star reviews sharing similar stories to this one. [Click HERE to learn more.]
Last Saturday, I spoke at a City of Buckeye, AZ event and was amazed by the turnout. On a beautiful, sunny weekend morning, so many caregivers chose to spend their day learning how to better support their loved ones. One family even flew in from Virginia to help their uncle care for his wife with dementia — a beautiful reminder that families can stay connected through this difficult journey. Moments like these are why I care so deeply about this work. Even in the hardest seasons, love still shows up.
Sending love,
Board-certified Geropsychologist
Founder, Dementia Careblazers
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