Your loved one with dementia suddenly screams at you, out of nowhere. It’s frustrating, confusing and heartbreaking. Sometimes it makes you want to scream back.
But here’s the thing. It’s not about you.
Most people think these outbursts are random mood swings that come out of nowhere. They’re really about something much deeper. And when you understand the three biggest reasons behind these dementia behaviors, everything starts to change.
Why Dementia Behaviors Aren’t Random: They’re Communication
We could change the word outburst to communication, because that’s what they are. Your loved one is communicating something to you, and it looks like a big behavioral outburst.
Dementia changes the brain. It changes the way the person sees the world. So what makes sense to you and me often doesn’t make sense to them. And what you see as helping them, they might see as a threat.
That’s why one of the most underrated skills any Careblazer can work on is looking at the world through their eyes, from their perspective, not just our own.
Say you hand your loved one a jacket, and they yell, “Get away from me!” and push back against you.
Is this really about the jacket? Probably not. It’s usually about something more, like:
- Not wanting to be bossed around
- Feeling like they’re losing control over their choices
- Feeling like it’s too hot, and they don’t want to put on a jacket
- Skin sensitivity, pain or discomfort
- Fear, because the jacket means leaving the house, and they don’t want to leave
The truth is, their anger is communication. Dementia often takes away a person’s ability to clearly express what’s going on inside them in words. So a lot of times, their behavior speaks for them. Their actions literally become their communication.
If the anger has started to feel like a change in who they are, I explain what’s happening in the brain in why some people with dementia become mean.
Most of the time, it comes down to three big reasons. Here’s what each one looks like.
1. They Don’t Think They Need Help (Anosognosia)
The first reason is that they simply don’t think they need your help.
You might think they’re in denial. But it’s actually something called anosognosia, which I’ve talked about a lot on my channel. Their brain literally cannot recognize that they have a problem.
So when you try to help them, they see it as you trying to control them, not trying to care for them.
In these situations, the more power and control they feel, the more likely you’ll get cooperation and less pushback. So the question becomes: how can you safely make it feel like they have more power and control in their own lives?
2. The Relationship Feels Strained (Even If You Mean Well)
The second big reason these outbursts happen is that the relationship is strained.
Be honest. Do they see you as a partner, or more as a boss?
If they feel like they’re being pushed around, they’ll often push back. No one wants to accept help from someone they think is bossy or controlling. So work with them, not against them.
I know this is not what you’re trying to do, and not how you’re trying to show up. But again, we have to look at the situation from their perspective, not just ours. We know we’re trying to help them. They might not know that. They might see it as you trying to control them, threaten them or harm them.
3. An Unmet Need They Can’t Put Into Words
The third most common reason for these outbursts is an unmet need. You can consider every outburst a clue.
- Are they hungry or thirsty?
- Are they cold or hot?
- Do they need more stimulation, or less?
- Are they looking for activity or exercise?
There are things they might want or need that they can’t clearly communicate. So it comes out in their behavior.
If you think this is what’s going on, think through the unmet needs you might be able to test out and provide for them.
Refusing help can have a few more causes than these three. I go through five of them in 5 surprising reasons your loved one with dementia resists help.
Which of These 3 Causes Is Behind Your Loved One’s Behavior?
Think of a tough situation that happens consistently. Which of these three do you think is happening?
- Is it that they don’t think they need help? That’s more the anosognosia.
- Is it that they don’t really want the help from you? That’s more the strained relationship.
- Or is there some sort of unmet need?
If you want real-time help with your own situation, that’s what we do every single week inside the Care Collective. You can join me, other experts and other Careblazers as we work through your specific challenges and figure out difficult situations together. You can learn more here.
